So confused...

I love V, she's my personal fertility expert. Today, she sent me a vague email alluding to something called, "self-guided work" -- as something I should be doing right now in light of my situation. huh?

She's at work right now so I'm having a hard time getting a clear answer... but my head is spinning wondering what I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not. No wonder I'm having such a difficult time with all this!!

Time for patience.

Patience...

... is not my forte. I am all about immediate gratification. When I want something, I want it yesterday.

Today was the first day I was supposed to use an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) and the test read positive. Trying not to get too excited, I had to stare at the two pink lines for a while. I had never seen a positive ovulation reading before (over 6 months of testing). As per direction from my doctor, I went in for an exam. Turns out it was a false positive. Man, talk about disappointment. The good news is things are "happening" and they expect a true positive sometime this weekend... But now I have to wait again (sigh).

I am in big trouble cause if my patience is wearing thing NOW... Boy oh boy. Let's face it, the ovulation piece of the puzzle is a minor part of the ENTIRE process...

$126 Million

... that is the amount of money the Giants are paying one pitcher (Barry Zito) over 7 years. Can someone please pay ME $126 Million for 7 years? jeez, I'd settle for 1 Million.

Here's the deal, the guy stinks. He hasn't won a single game yet all season and he is the first pitcher in Giants history since the 1920's to start with a 0-5 record. I would feel like a criminal if I were him for pulling off such a scam. Or maybe I should look at this from the other side and ask, "how could the Giants be so stupid to give him so much money?"

The reason he got the contract in the first place was due to his proven excellence pitching for the A's.

Listening to my boys on KNBR, I hear so many theories as to why he's in such a slump... if you can call it that (jeez, it's been over a year now since he's been with the Giants):

- Some folks are saying he's not comfortable as an "Ace" (yeah, the Giants still call him their Ace pitcher, hello!?!? anybody home?) -- he feels more comfortable under the radar (hello?!?! you're in the Major League, buddy!).

- Some say he's trying too hard. Oh my gosh, if that's the case, I'd hate to see him when he stops trying.

- There is speculation that he has lost his core strength due the fact that he no longer surfs (The Giants made him agree not to surf during the term of his contract as prevention against injury). Brian Murphy on KNBR joked that perhaps Zito needs to go out and surf and... ahem... get himself on the DL.. (of course he was joking!)

Etc, etc... People love to have an "explanation". I don't really care about explanations. In this world, it's about productivity and performance. Those who are productive and perform well succeed... right?

I know that they can't take the money back, but why the heck don't they let the younger pitchers have a chance to win his title?

The Giants are giving kids the messsage that hard work and performance means nothing. Get that big contract then rest on your laurels, young lads.

Happiness is...

I have always loved Charles Schultz' notion of simple pleasures.

Happiness is... watching your beloved dog run through the meadow... in tall grass so all you see is the crown of her head and flopping ears emerge every second or so as she pops up to get a quick view.

I better go find the anti-tick spray!

Not your girly girl

Today Pete and I were noticing how filthy dirty the bedding (where Lucy sleeps) has gotten. Pete noted that he'd given her a bath two times in the past few days.

This dog loves to be as dirty as possible. As soon as she possibly can after getting a bath, she'll go outside and roll around in the dirt.

I said to Pete, "you'd think she'd get a clue that she's just going to get more baths if he keeps getting dirty". Pete said, "she's probably saying the same thing about us."

Wiki

What a fun word. Makes me think about Hawaiian dances or something. I spent some time on various "Wiki"s this weekend... let's see, there's Wikipedia, Wikihow, Wiktionary and a bunch of others. The concept is each site is a giant online resource that can be edited by virtually anyone. So it's a continually evolving project.

Anyhoo, I wanted to do some research before showing up to the Seder, so I searched on "Passover" and "Seder". I found myself reading an article, "how to be a respectful Non-Jew at a Seder" -- perfect! It actually wasn't terribly useful given the article was geared for a more traditional Seder.

I found myself getting sucked in big time. You can read about one topic and they always give you links to other "similar" topics. Somehow, I found myself reading, "how to be liked" (!!!) and "how to be popular but not mean". Are you kidding me? If ONLY Wiki existed when I was in high school. Kids these days really have it easy.

I'm off to read about "how to pass time when bored." I'll keep you posted.

Monday Monday

No... I didn't win the lottery. C'mon now...You KNOW I would not be sitting here at my desk at 8:40am writing in my Blog if I HAD won. ; )

Anyways, it's Monday morning. Mondays are always the worst for me as the long week ahead seems so daunting and unsurmountable.

Luckily I tend to pack things in over the weekend... and as usual, it was a satisfying weekend full of fun, time with friends, chill out time with Pete & Lucy and as much outdoor activity as I could handle, given it was oh so COLD. I got used to the 85 degree weather we experienced the previous weekend and I'm quick to get spoiled.

Saturday night, Pete & I attended a Passover Seder. We felt very honored to be invited to a family event. I had never been to a Seder before, so I assumed it would be a very religious experience.

If you have never been to a Jewish Seder, it's a ritualistic ceremony commemorating the freedom of slaves in Egypt and the liberation of Israelites. There are rules regarding what is acceptable to eat and the event follows a procedure that is dictated in a book called the "Haggadeh". Certain foods are eaten in a special sequence symbolizing aspects of the historical event. For example, at one point, we ate matzo with "mortar" -- symbolizing the mortar the Jews had used to build pyramids. This mortar was a ground paste made from almonds, berries and other items. It was quite tasty... kind of reminded me oatmeal. Everyone participated in the ceremony, reading passages from the Haggadeh at designated times. The main purpose of the Seder is to ensure the younger generations retain the Jewish History and tradition. Considering everyone is an active participant, I am sure young children learn and retain the knowledge as they participate year by year.

I had no idea that this would be one of the most fun Holiday events I had experienced in a long time! Of course, I do believe the reason why it was such fun is our hostesses are very non-traditional Jews. They are also quite easy going with a great senses of humor. The family members all joked and laughed heartily during the entire 3 hour event. This was no somber event.

Oh, and the food was DELICOUS!

A Girl Can Dream...

Check it out. This morning, I went to 7-11 to check my lottery tickets and one of the tickets awarded me $48!

So, this afternoon I went back (slurpee time) and I thought, "what the heck?" so I plopped down $5 for a quick pick ticket.

Come to find out the jackpot for tonight is $48M...

Hello?!?! Is this an omen?

T.G.I.F. - Reflecting on Technology

Whew! Glad the weekend is here. I don't know if it's the economy but things have slowed down for me, big time. As a Salesperson who relies on commissions to meet my salary requirements, that is NOT a good thing.

I try to spend some time each day researching what could possibly be the next hot product or technology. It gets confusing because the needs of my customers (IT Directors, CIOs, etc) are vastly different from the technology trends I'm noticing that pertain to things I'm interested in: Blogging, Online Communities, Online Networking, etc. And, let's face it, I spend a lot of time participating in the things that I'm interested in!

Makes me wonder if I could be MORE [productive, inspired, successful, happy] if my career better reflected my interests? I digress. Perhaps I'm thinking too much.

I have always been fascinated by technology. From the day, as a child, my dad brought home our new Commodore-64 computer. I loved that thing. I learned to program in BASIC on it and I spent hours playing a very rudimentary version of Frogger. I am giggling as I recall the black screen with the "frogs" (green colored x marks) with no other graphics whatsoever.

It amazes me how far we've come. Nowadays, I don't think I could survive 2 days without Internet access...

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball just to get a glimpse of "what's next".

Here are a few of the things that I would like to see in the near future:

1. Free Global Wifi (so I don't have to travel from coffee shop to coffee shop searching for reliable internet access when mine goes down)

2. Handheld Computer -- perhaps it will be a cellphone/PDA/MP3 player as well. I am thinking it needs to have a USB port so you could simply plug in your removable disc that has all of your pertinent files. I'm talking just like your laptop but small enough to put in your purse.

3. Faster EVERYTHING - Internet access, Processor speed, etc. I think I might have A.D.D., I get so impatient sometimes waiting for my computer to respond.

That's it! Nothing too far-fetched -- just simple things that would help my productivity level.

I found the following presentation online, Technology Trends

The author is one of those Internet Guru types, I hadn't heard of him before... but I did find the slideshow thought - provoking.

For one, I think it will be interesting to see how things develop with the various Social Networking sites out there (consolidation?) and where they go from here.

Also, the concept of Open Standards intrigues me. My last gig was at an Open Source Software Company, GroundWork Open Source , so I understand and embrace the notion of open standards. It does seem like a very slow shift is occurring from a dominant Windows world to an Open Source world (like Google).

I guess we just gotta wait and see.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

Speaking of baby mamas....

Of course, I can't wait to see the movie.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0871426/

baby mamas vs. non-baby mamas

I'm making a conscious effort to get emails out to Kathy more frequently (see previous blog entry).

I just received an email from her and I had to highlight stuff that she wrote. Kathy has an amazing way of wording things so you go, "that's exactly what I meant!" - must be her Marketing background.

"...my eggs are mine, and yours are yours, and I am always happy when sperms and eggs meet successfully – it gives me hope. Nobody gets pregnant just to show someone else up. And one person getting pregnant doesn’t mean there are less pregnancy opportunities for other people...."

Kathy and I have had many discussions around how people in this world seem to think it is quite acceptable to ask about baby plans pretty much immediately upon a married couple's return from their honeymoon. The Honeymoon return occurred many years ago for both of us... so you can imagine the number of times we've fielded the question.

Guess a couples' sexual behavior and activity is now a public topic for discussion. Not to mention, how does anyone know that the couple hasn't just miscarried, or perhaps learned that they are infertile? I could see myself bursting out in tears if that were the case.

In addition, we've noticed some interesting behavior amongst the women in our network of friends.

The ones who have gotten pregnant and had babies, seem to have risen to a new level of existence than us non-baby mamas. These gals meet up for playdates and have their own secret language that revolves around their respective babies, breast feeding, elite preschools, etc, etc.

Olive branch emails and voicemail messages sent by the non-baby mamas to the baby mamas go unreturned. After all, we are lowly non-baby mamas.... we certainly don't deserve the respect of a response. Silly me!

It will be interesting to see how things progress as baby mamas children grow up and non-baby mamas become baby mamas....

Guess the moral of the story is we are all evolving, constantly changing individuals, and friends come and go.

I am thinking that my true friends will still be worth sending olive branch emails to when I'm old and gray.

Different forms of therapy

My friend Kathy found my blog the other day. I got an email from her that read, "I see now why I haven't been getting emails that reveal your deepest thoughts as often, cause you've been blogging instead". DOH! Busted.

I emailed her right back to say, "not to worry, Blogging sure ain't no replacement for YOU!" (what a shmoozer I am, huh?) But really, and I said this to her... I have really enjoyed my past month or so of blogging. It's a good break and gives me something else to focus on - besides work - during the day.

I made a promise to myself to create at least one blog entry each weekday. I find myself thinking about what I should write while on my daily walk with Lucy... Much of the time I write pure crap, but I try to mix it up with postings that are meaningful or speak from the heart.

The title of my blog is "random thoughts from a random mind". Seriously, ideas and topics pop into my brain at random times, and it's great to be able to get these thoughts out and onto the great information highway.

I really have Ayelet to thank for my "new form of therapy". If it wasn't for her inspirational and pretty amazing Blog, I would not have had the motivation to get mine back in shape.

The reality is my email conversations with Kathy are another form of therapy for me. Over the past 10 years or so, Kathy and I have had an email correspondence that is truly special. I'm talking multiple paragraphs at a time. Sometimes we'd write back and forth to each other 2 or 3 times a day... now we're lucky to get 2 or 3 emails a week from each other.

Back then, we were single, so our discussions revolved around boys, happy hours, dating rules, etc. Now as two happily married and childless women, our conversations are a bit different. Nowadays we talk about the baby vs. non-baby divide we are starting to notice amongst our group of friends, our careers, and how we don't have nearly as much time these days to write to each other (see.... it's not just me and my blog!)

I will always treasure this relationship I have with a great friend who I do not get a chance to see often enough, but I always know what's going on in her life and vice versa.

Hopefully this entry doesn't fall into the "crap" category! : )

Definition of a friend

I've been browsing Wikipedia today, trying to find some inspiration to write about. Here is a good definition of friendship. My great friends definitely meet the criteria. When's National Friendshp Day? Does that exist?

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis:
the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
sympathy and empathy,
honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
mutual understanding.

Say Anything

My boy Brian Murphy (those of you regulars KNOW all about my girly crush on this man... Pete knows not to worry, it's just a girly crush, never to be acted upon... jeez, it's not like he would give me the time of the day ANYWAYS, calm down people).

Where was I?

Oh yes, this morning on the "top 6 news stories" on KNBR, Murph talked about how these days, you just ain't nobody unless you have a stalker.

C'mon now, how many times have you heard in recent months of celebrities and their stalkers... suing their stalkers, getting restraining orders on their stalkers, etc... ?? it is getting a bit old.

BUT of course, when Murph talks about it, it sounds really cool, exciting, fun and noteworthy. I want a stalker too, dammit!

Today Murph revealed that John Cusack is the newest celebrity to report a stalker.

HELLO? has anybody seen, "Say Anything"? If I knew where that boy lived, hell, I might be a stalker myself.

The 30 second story on KNBR really got me thinking about John Cusack. Murph talked about how he thought the female stalker could quite possibly be his OWN wife who apparently has a similar taste in men as I do.... L.O.L.

Murph's wife (who, BTW, sounds like a strong, smart woman who I would probably get along marvelously with), stated that the appeal of Cusack is that he's not the super handsome, hot, got it together guy (a la George Clooney), but instead, he's the reclusive, silent, and a bit socially inexperienced guy.

The kinda guy women feel CERTAIN that they (and only THEY of course) can bring out of his shell.

I can't speak for all of you gals, but what woman would not melt upon looking out their window to see John Cusack standing defiantly outside their childhood home with a ginormous boombox blasting, "In Your Eyes"???

You are so LYING if you say NO.

Speaking of Luck...

Last summer, I had bandaids on my knees and I'm scarred as a result of having fallen regularly on the morning walk with Lucy. I don't know if it is my balance, bad ankles or what?

Of course, I have been doing the same walk with Lucy every morning all winter long (bundled in layers of sweats of course). I have not tripped, stumbled or fallen kersplat on the concrete, not once.

So check it out, the moment it gets hot and I wear shorts, BOOM... I fall and I now have two skinned knees. DOH!

The Plan

I had grand plans over the next week or so, but I must now put question marks next to each event on my calendar.


My new doctor gave me "the plan" today.... Ouch, I think they now own my life.


Last weekend, I had dragged my sweet husband to a cold, sterile, lab so we could get a boatload of blood tests done. No kidding, these people mean business. I left the room woozy after the lab technician drew 6 vials of blood out of me. I think Pete had 5 vials drawn.


The reason for the blood tests were to check to make sure neither of us are inflicted with any infectious diseases. Why should they care? They want proof that we are clean, in the event we try to sue them for giving one of us something during treatment! Man, I forget what a litigious world we live in.


I thought we were done with the red tape, but now they need us to come in to sign consent forms this Saturday (of course I had made plans for that day) -- it's not good enough if we were to sign and fax the forms in. NO... the forms must be signed in their presence -- you know how I am, forging Pete's name all the time. ; )


I start the drugs on Thursday - two a day for 5 days - then wait a few days, then at day 11, I gotta start testing. The moment I get a positive reading, I need to come in to get an ultrasound.


OF COURSE, knowing me and my luck, it will EITHER happen on day 11 (the day I have plans to attend the kick off party for the SF International film festival) OR on day 13 (the day I have plans to go to a music festival in Livermore).

(sigh)

I guess my doctors are just preparing me for what's in store in the event all of this works -- yeah, that's right: no life!!

The Last Lecture

I am reading a great book. It's about a professor at Carnegie Mellon University who learns that he has pancreatic cancer and has only 3 months to live.

He has 3 young children and is happily married.

I just started reading the book and he describes how hard it is to decide just how to spend the little time he has left.

Of course there are things he would like to teach his children. As well as conversations that, as a father, he wants to have with them, that they just aren't ready for.

He decides to present a series of lectures as a final statement to fulfill his last personal wish and objective. He would also record the lectures for his children to experience after he passes.

Time is of the essence, in this case.

I have a feeling this book will be an inspirational one. I'll write more as I continue to read.

Check it out on Amazon,

The visitor

I had a very welcome visitor today... Auntie Flow!

How normal am I?! : )

Two months in a row and just 1 day apart... That means a 31 day cycle, I guess?

I will start the drugs again on Wednesday.

Fingers crossed...

Here we go again...

I went on a fabulous hike this morning with one of my more inspiring women friends.... damn this girl is impressive. Anyhoo, we talked, cried, and therapatized (and I do not care if that is NOT a real word!).

Amy is the gal who lost her ex husband two weekends ago... she filled me in on some shocking details that have me in a very pensive mood... as well as scratching my head. (MEN, need I say more? although that topic should be reserved for another blog entry).

It is amazing to me how much this woman has been through but she is one of the strongest women I know. Definitely a model for who I aspire to be.

The hike was quite a cathartic event for both of us... the two of us huffing and puffing (okay, just ME), laying it all out in the open, bouncing thoughts and feelings off of each other..... all in the blazing heat (yes, it reached 88 degrees today... on April 12?).

After two hours of blood, sweat and tears (yeah, I exaggerate.... so?!?!?) I felt great... cleansed and ready to conquer the world.

After the hike, we stopped off at Diablo Foods as I wanted to pick up a "princess cake" for my friend Anna. Her birthday is April 15 (yeah, unfortunate!) and we planned to go to dinner that evening.

I dropped Amy off and listened to my voicemail. I had turned off my phone so I hadn't received the call, but I found myself listening to the most heartwrenching voicemail message. It was Anna... tearfully informing me that her dad had passed away the night before.

It was probably the longest message I'd ever received from my great friend (a bridesmaid at my wedding) who I have always admired for her strength and level-headedness. Within moments, I too, found myself in tears. Her father had been battling Parkinson's Disease and his condition had worsened in the past 6 months.

I did get a chance to chat with Anna today and I reminded her that he lived a long life and she did everything in her power to go home (South Dakota is quite far from California) as often as possible to be by his side. In fact, she and her sister had visited just last weekend. He died peacefully and my feeling is that he may have had no more strength in him to fight to live. Anna said he hadn't been eating and he had been bed-ridden. It was time to go.

Having lost my father and my experience when he passed (a bit fuzzy 18 years later), I tried as hard as I could to offer her any tidbit of positivity to help her through this sad time. But I felt at a loss for words. She had many questions for me and I realized that I've let my memories of my dad and the experience of loss fade. I was a baby at 19 years old. How can I realize those memories again?

Life goes on. It's a sad fact and something Amy, her daughters, and Anna will come to find out.

Amy asked me today if I felt that my dad was in heaven, following what was going on in our lives. I told her that I do believe. I believe he knows, and is aware of what we're up to. Of course I hope he is proud. I am not a religious person by any means... go figure.

One very overwhelming thought I had all day after speaking with Anna is this: she & her husband have been trying to get pregnant for a while. Wouldn't it be symbolic if she got pregnant now?

3 Great words

I will never forget these three words. When I was a child, my dad told me that these three words were his favorite words of all time.

He had great taste.... I do feel like these are words that should be used as much as possible, when appropriate, of course!

1. Nincompoop.
noun
a stupid foolish person

She was a nincompoop to believe the Giants would win the game.

2. Titillation.
c.1425, "pleasing excitement," from L. titillationem (nom. titillatio) "a tickling," noun of action from titillare "to tickle," imitative of giggling.

My husband seems to gain much titillation at my expense.

3. Discombobulated.
adjective
having self-possession upset; thrown into confusion; "the hecklers pelted the discombobulated speaker with anything that came to hand"; "looked at each other dumbly, quite disconcerted"- G.B.Shaw

The Olympic Torch Bearers were discombobulated by Gavin Newsom's change of plans.