Welcome to my new world..

So my Eastern Medicine "Practitioner" (not sure what the correct word is) told me today that I can only drink liquids that are room temperature, warm or preferably hot...

She tells me this on the hottest day of the season so far (it's easily 100 degrees). Gulp, just before my appointment I had devoured an icy fruitsicle.

So, now I'm blogging drinking hot tea feeling like a dumb A and I had to take all of my cold drinks out of the refrigerator. Sigh.

But, all in all, I feel positive about my new Eastern Medicine Plan. My practitioner spent 45 minutes with me talking about the various procedures in store for me. She told me they would mix an herbal remedy. And of course she described my new diet... pretty much I will not be able to eat out in an actual restaurant anytime in the near future.

There goes my social life, officially.

The good news is I didn't have to pay a dime, the first consultation was FREE! In contrast my previous "practitioner" charged me $275 the moment I walked in the door. Guess that's just one of the many differences between Eastern and Western medicine.

Okay, now we're getting hokey..

I'm onto the "positive affirmation" section of the Eastern Medicine book...

They recommend spending about 15 minutes a day repeating the following affirmations:

I am healthy and happy, my hormone levels are balanced.
My cycle is in tune with my body's natural rhythm.
I will conceive a healthy baby when I make the conscious decision to do so.
I believe in myself, for I am incredible.
I am taking charge of your own fertility.

Come on now! Are you kidding? I think I need to draw the line here. What's next? patchouli and nude colonies? I gotta keep my mojo, people. : )

The value of friendship

I make darn sure I enjoy every weekend... every moment of the two days off of work are precious to me. I am lucky enough to have wonderful people (and canines!) in my life to help make weekends enjoyable.

I made a realization this weekend... there is nothing more valuable than best girlfriends who you can just BE with, trust, and never feel the concern of offending them. There is no pretense, no judgment, no posturing... Just appreciation, understanding and respect for each other. We appreciate our similarities as well as our differences. If one is having a problem, we try to lend and ear, offer consolation and suggest solutions. There is no bravado or jealousy, even though one of us might be in a better position financially or more successful personally or careerwise. Icing on the cake is a friend who you can have fun with and laugh with.

It is rare to find people in this world who you can develop such a relationship with. Let's face it, you aren't necessarily going to have this type of relationship with family members.

Here's to great friends... I feel blessed to have them in my life!

A new approach

I have made a turn in my pursuit to become fertile... I realized this weekend that the process I have been in just isn't working. So, I'm going a different route. Instead of following orders and pumping mysterious synthetic products into my system (oh yeah and spending a boatload of my insurance company's money), I am going to take on an active role. From now on, I'm calling the shots. (I can talk big can't I?) : )

We'll see how I feel in a coupla months... but, for now, I feel good about my new "project".

I had already cut out caffeine, artificial sweetener and alcohol - well, in order to not feel deprived, I will allot myself a glass or so of vino per week : )

I figure, why not? Let's go all out! I bought a book on Chinese medicine and fertility. I can't put it down. It's fascinating. Every single thing I've read thus far makes just too much sense.

The contrast between Eastern and Western medicine is stark. They give is following analogy: Western medicine is like throwing fertlizer on a plant, whereas Eastern medicine is about creating a fertile ground, using compost, etc.

So... in the fertility world, the Western medicine approach is to identify which hormones are lacking then hyperstimulate the system with synthetic hormones. Conversely, the Eastern medicine approach is the get the body back to a balanced state hormonally so the body does what it is supposed to do... for women, it's have babies. Duh!!! How much sense does that make? It's almost laughable.

I also booked an appointment at an acupuncture clinic that specializes in fertility, and I may go get some Chinese herbs too. It could just be that I need to get my Qi back. (if you don't know what that means, go get a Chinese medicine book!)

I will keep you updated... watch this space!

The waiting game

Looks like my eggs are happy as can be, comfy cozy, hanging out in my ovaries for now. I am thinking I may as well move into the Reproductive Science Center as the new instructions are for me to come back tomorrow if I get a positive OPK reading and Wednesday no matter what. As if I have nothing better to do! Don't people work?!? Cause really this stuff ain't cheap. I pay a copayment each visit and the costs are starting to add up - thank goodness insurance is covering 95% of treatment cost!

I tell all my friends with kids trying to figure out what to do with their lives.... get into the fertility industry -- there is MONEY to be made, my friends.

So confused...

I love V, she's my personal fertility expert. Today, she sent me a vague email alluding to something called, "self-guided work" -- as something I should be doing right now in light of my situation. huh?

She's at work right now so I'm having a hard time getting a clear answer... but my head is spinning wondering what I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not. No wonder I'm having such a difficult time with all this!!

Time for patience.

Patience...

... is not my forte. I am all about immediate gratification. When I want something, I want it yesterday.

Today was the first day I was supposed to use an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) and the test read positive. Trying not to get too excited, I had to stare at the two pink lines for a while. I had never seen a positive ovulation reading before (over 6 months of testing). As per direction from my doctor, I went in for an exam. Turns out it was a false positive. Man, talk about disappointment. The good news is things are "happening" and they expect a true positive sometime this weekend... But now I have to wait again (sigh).

I am in big trouble cause if my patience is wearing thing NOW... Boy oh boy. Let's face it, the ovulation piece of the puzzle is a minor part of the ENTIRE process...

baby mamas vs. non-baby mamas

I'm making a conscious effort to get emails out to Kathy more frequently (see previous blog entry).

I just received an email from her and I had to highlight stuff that she wrote. Kathy has an amazing way of wording things so you go, "that's exactly what I meant!" - must be her Marketing background.

"...my eggs are mine, and yours are yours, and I am always happy when sperms and eggs meet successfully – it gives me hope. Nobody gets pregnant just to show someone else up. And one person getting pregnant doesn’t mean there are less pregnancy opportunities for other people...."

Kathy and I have had many discussions around how people in this world seem to think it is quite acceptable to ask about baby plans pretty much immediately upon a married couple's return from their honeymoon. The Honeymoon return occurred many years ago for both of us... so you can imagine the number of times we've fielded the question.

Guess a couples' sexual behavior and activity is now a public topic for discussion. Not to mention, how does anyone know that the couple hasn't just miscarried, or perhaps learned that they are infertile? I could see myself bursting out in tears if that were the case.

In addition, we've noticed some interesting behavior amongst the women in our network of friends.

The ones who have gotten pregnant and had babies, seem to have risen to a new level of existence than us non-baby mamas. These gals meet up for playdates and have their own secret language that revolves around their respective babies, breast feeding, elite preschools, etc, etc.

Olive branch emails and voicemail messages sent by the non-baby mamas to the baby mamas go unreturned. After all, we are lowly non-baby mamas.... we certainly don't deserve the respect of a response. Silly me!

It will be interesting to see how things progress as baby mamas children grow up and non-baby mamas become baby mamas....

Guess the moral of the story is we are all evolving, constantly changing individuals, and friends come and go.

I am thinking that my true friends will still be worth sending olive branch emails to when I'm old and gray.

Different forms of therapy

My friend Kathy found my blog the other day. I got an email from her that read, "I see now why I haven't been getting emails that reveal your deepest thoughts as often, cause you've been blogging instead". DOH! Busted.

I emailed her right back to say, "not to worry, Blogging sure ain't no replacement for YOU!" (what a shmoozer I am, huh?) But really, and I said this to her... I have really enjoyed my past month or so of blogging. It's a good break and gives me something else to focus on - besides work - during the day.

I made a promise to myself to create at least one blog entry each weekday. I find myself thinking about what I should write while on my daily walk with Lucy... Much of the time I write pure crap, but I try to mix it up with postings that are meaningful or speak from the heart.

The title of my blog is "random thoughts from a random mind". Seriously, ideas and topics pop into my brain at random times, and it's great to be able to get these thoughts out and onto the great information highway.

I really have Ayelet to thank for my "new form of therapy". If it wasn't for her inspirational and pretty amazing Blog, I would not have had the motivation to get mine back in shape.

The reality is my email conversations with Kathy are another form of therapy for me. Over the past 10 years or so, Kathy and I have had an email correspondence that is truly special. I'm talking multiple paragraphs at a time. Sometimes we'd write back and forth to each other 2 or 3 times a day... now we're lucky to get 2 or 3 emails a week from each other.

Back then, we were single, so our discussions revolved around boys, happy hours, dating rules, etc. Now as two happily married and childless women, our conversations are a bit different. Nowadays we talk about the baby vs. non-baby divide we are starting to notice amongst our group of friends, our careers, and how we don't have nearly as much time these days to write to each other (see.... it's not just me and my blog!)

I will always treasure this relationship I have with a great friend who I do not get a chance to see often enough, but I always know what's going on in her life and vice versa.

Hopefully this entry doesn't fall into the "crap" category! : )

The Plan

I had grand plans over the next week or so, but I must now put question marks next to each event on my calendar.


My new doctor gave me "the plan" today.... Ouch, I think they now own my life.


Last weekend, I had dragged my sweet husband to a cold, sterile, lab so we could get a boatload of blood tests done. No kidding, these people mean business. I left the room woozy after the lab technician drew 6 vials of blood out of me. I think Pete had 5 vials drawn.


The reason for the blood tests were to check to make sure neither of us are inflicted with any infectious diseases. Why should they care? They want proof that we are clean, in the event we try to sue them for giving one of us something during treatment! Man, I forget what a litigious world we live in.


I thought we were done with the red tape, but now they need us to come in to sign consent forms this Saturday (of course I had made plans for that day) -- it's not good enough if we were to sign and fax the forms in. NO... the forms must be signed in their presence -- you know how I am, forging Pete's name all the time. ; )


I start the drugs on Thursday - two a day for 5 days - then wait a few days, then at day 11, I gotta start testing. The moment I get a positive reading, I need to come in to get an ultrasound.


OF COURSE, knowing me and my luck, it will EITHER happen on day 11 (the day I have plans to attend the kick off party for the SF International film festival) OR on day 13 (the day I have plans to go to a music festival in Livermore).

(sigh)

I guess my doctors are just preparing me for what's in store in the event all of this works -- yeah, that's right: no life!!

And while I'm on the topic....

A couple of days ago, I blogged about friendship. As you all know, it's a topic that has been on my mind lately, in light of recent events.

One of my favorite girls, Ayelet, sent me the link to a website for Women on the Web (Apparently they wanted to use the domain: dot.WOW.dot.com but it was already taken as an adult website! So... wowowow.com it is!

It's great site for thought provoking women, like A & I, to learn about the opinions and sentiments of like minded women as well as share our own thoughts. The site features a panel of strong and well-respected women who initiate topics of conversation, debatable issues, and questions to ponder. Registered members of the site can pipe in and contribute their 2 cents, providing content on the web. I love it!

Today, I found the following conversation topic.

http://www.wowowow.com/conversation/friendship-family-gossip-Texas

The title called out at me. And I feel it is so true. I once saw a gimmicky t-shirt that read, "Friends are God's reward for punishing us with Family" -- that is a bit much in my opinion, but I did get a good laugh! ; )

Friendship

I have some amazing friends. I have been thinking alot about friendships after realizing that someone I considered to be a friend does not reciprocate that sentiment. I realize that I need to be more selective over who I spend my valuable time with. Friendships should be mutually supportive, respectful, non-judgmental in nature. Most of my friendships are based on such simple principles.

One of my true and dear friends, Victoria, sent me the following:

We don't get to have friends who stay with us for a long time often, and as years go by I value my friendship with girls like you more, because we will always be friends and that's not very common these days. People tend to be flaky and they come and go. and sometimes they grow apart. So it's really important to keep those who are close to us, who have seen us through good and bad close by. And we have to take friends for what they are, with traits that we like and with traits we disagree on. Good friends are like family members, you love them but also get annoyed by things you don't like about them...., Then there are other types of friends who kind of fade away with time, they just don't seem to care about you or be interested in your life, those we call them good ridden. You know who i'm talking about! :)

Victoria and I have had many discussions about "friends" who have faded away as she describes.
We are constantly evolving individuals and sometimes friends come to us to serve a specific purpose and once that purpose has been met, both parties move on. Such is life.

But the true friends who remain through good & bad, richer & poorer, are those to hold on to.

What's Normal?

Definitely not me!

It's funny, we spend much of our younger years trying to fit in and to "be normal"...

Then we grow up, develop our unique styles and personalities. We then work extra hard to demonstrate what makes us different from everyone else. We no longer want to be a face in the crowd, but instead, someone "special".

I've been thinking a lot about the term "normal" because for the past few months, I've wanted desperately to be "normal". Let me add some context... I seem to be inflicted with some kind of (medical?) condition and my body is just not cooperating when it comes to, oh, let's just say, the basic female functions. I have doctors helping me but everyone is scratching their heads and I am starting to feel like a freak!! Well not really... but it does cross my mind. : )

I know I'm not alone. I google my symptoms and read tons of blogs, discussion lists, articles, etc. and I know that there are many women out there going through similar issues... to be honest, most of the stories I have read describe situations that are much worse than mine!

All I can do is keep thinking positively and forge ahead. Hopefully I can get back to "normal"sometime soon!

Snap out of it!

Wow. I just got done reading at least 20 anonymous womens infertility stories online. I feel like a nincompoop for complaining so much cause my situation is ridiculously insignificant compared to theirs. Most of the women I read about have been trying (with drugs, injections, IUI, and other advanced treatments) for over 6 months unsuccessfully. I'm crying to anyone who will listen cause I'm too darn impatient to wait for the freaking ovulation kit to give the "happy baby picture" (that's right, I bought the Mercedes Benz version ovulation kit.... no faded blue lines for me).

My heart goes out to these women who have spent an unbelievable amount of time, energy, and money trying to get pregnant. Many of the stories include mis-carriages. It is just heartwrenching and I cannot even begin to imagine what I would do in their shoes. It amazes me that these women still possess the inner strength to post their stories as well as the compassion to support and advise others in similar positions.

Just goes to show you the strength of a woman. Can you imagine if men had to endure such obstacles?

A Bold Move

I need to blog about this otherwise it won't happen. I'm giving up booze for a while.... for how long, not sure. But assuming giving up booze helps me become fertile/preggers, it could be a year or more! Yikes. Can I really do this? Timing is not good as baseball season is about to begin, then come the spring parties, then summer parties... The bottom line is no time is a good time so best to jump in with both feet.

That's right! no more Dierberg pinot noir binges with my favorite girl.... (SOB!)

Madness in Maui

What is it about the mother daughter relationship that is so.... um, special? I am certainly not an expert on the subject, but it always fascinates me that when I'm around my mother I am a completely different person than I am around my husband and friends.

I recently took a trip with my mother and my sister to my favorite destination : Maui, Hawaii.

Reflecting on the trip now, I feel very fortunate that we got to do this. It was a great trip and I have no regrets. There were some moments however...

I won a trip to Maui (my funny boss calls it the "Presidents Club" -- the reality is in a 4 person company, it doesn't quite hold the same meaning as it does when you win the Presidents Club at AT&T for example). Pete could not join me due to lack of vacation time and project demands. It has been COLD in the Bay Area. Thus, the decision was made.... Mom, Laura, we're going to Maui!

Laura and I started off quite nicely at the airport where we enjoyed two bloody mary's apiece -- at 10am to boot. What a fine way to start the trip.

I love flying to Maui cause everyone on the plane is in such great spirits and I really enjoy all of the conversations: "where are you staying?", "what's your favorite restaurant?", etc, etc. I love the energy. Laura and I sat next to two men who proceeded to DRINK (I counted 10 abolut vodka bottles before I lost count!) Turns out one of the men had just proposed to his girlfriend 15 hours prior. The girlfriend was seated up at the front with the other man's wife and a whole group of family members and friends traveling to Maui together from Wisconsin of all places (That is a LONG flight people but I get it - it is crazy cold in Wisconsin). They ended up buying Laura and I a couple of drinks and we got to know each other a bit. At one point, one of the women from the front came back to "inform" the groom the wedding had been fast-forwarded to a beach wedding in Maui! The guys drunkenly invited us to attend. We exchanged numbers and left the plane with promises to attend the wedding and act as witnesses. Btw, they never called!

Aaaaaahhhh.... Maui. Just love it. Mom had arrived two hours earlier and greeted us with lei's so we could get right into the spirit of the island. Mom is a sweetie.

By the time we settled in, it was well after 7pm and we were starving (or at least I was). We decided to eat at the restaurant at the resort and before too long we were seated at a perfect table overlooking the koi pond. This is when the "fun" begins. I have to say I haven't met a woman without food issues of some form.... but my family takes the cake. Backtrack 5 hours at the airport: we greet my mom and ask if she'd eaten lunch yet. Her response: "no, but that is good cause I will lose weight" WTF?!?! We are on VACATION, lady. As another side note, Laura is a bit sensitive at the moment cause she's put on some weight. So fast forward to dinner, Laura and I are pushing food on my mom like you won't believe, "appetizers immediately, Mom!" Mom pushes back saying, "oh, I'll just eat some oysters". It all pretty much went downhill from here. I love my mom but she just doesn't get it sometimes. The biggest buzzkill is when you order fatty fatty, greasy food and your dining companion orders a green salad. I'm exaggerating a bit, but #1. we are on vacation and #2. that just ain't cool. We managed to order some apps that we could all agree on thank god and dinner progressed. It gets worse. At one point, my mom says to Laura, "is your back pain due to the car accident you had 5 years ago, or is it.... (fill in the blanks, you KNOW what she was thinking). Again, clueless. Needless to say, Laura stormed off, my mom didn't want to eat and I became piggy wiggy eating the remnants of the food on the table. Not a good start to our girls trip.

Next morning, everyone seemed to have forgiven and forgotten. It was a gorgeous morning in Maui. We all went for walks along the beach (true peace), then decided to head to Whaler's Village for some shopping -- gotta get cute sundresses for the trip right? After a couple of hours of damage to our credit cards, we realized it was noon and we were hungry. We settled in at the Rusty Harpoon (this place always brings back awesome memories from our honeymoon). the second we sat down, I realized we were in trouble again. Laura looked at the menu and decided to order a cup of soup. Meanwhile, my mom orders a salad. I'm eying the pork sandwich with french fries. HELP ME! I gently ask them, "aren't you hungry?" Tears stream down Laura's face and she manages to say that she "can't eat" around mom. Yikes. At that moment I got really mad. What the hell?!? I chose these people to accompany me on the trip cause my husband couldn't. I was really starting to regret not inviting my favorite girlfriends instead. The rest of lunch was silent and after lunch, I opted to walk along the beach back to our resort rather than take the shuttle. As I walked along the sand (peace) many thoughts crossed me head, "should I go home and spend the week on excursions with Lucy instead?", "should I ship them home and make my friends fly out?", "should I get my own room and have a peaceful vacation all by myself?" I decided to clear my head and do my own thing at least for the afternoon.

I went to the pool bar, watched some basketball and enjoyed a tasty sugary Hawaiian cocktail. Later that afternoon, I came back to the hotel and gave them a piece of my mind. I have always been the agreeable daughter who nods her head and goes with the flow. It's funny how easy it is for us, even as grown adults, to revert back to our childhood comfort zones. I felt that last night and again this morning, I had become that quiet child who blends into the background, as I had been as a child. Meanwhile, Laura became the emotional, dramatic, ubersensitive child while my mom bent over backwards and did somersaults to smooth things over, trying at all costs to make amends with Laura, leaving me feeling empty and disconnected.

As like much of my childhood, I had begun to feel invisible on MY vacation. Unfortunately it is what it is. Those are the dynamics of this threesome. No matter how much we all try, the force lurks below the surface.

After an afternoon clearing my head and getting a grip on the fact that I'm a successful, mature adult, I realized I needed to stand up for myself. It worked wonders. Both of them apologized profusely and swore to me that the rest of the trip would be smooth. We all put the events of the first two days behind us.

From that point on, the trip was a major blast. That night at dinner mom even drank two Lava Flow drinks (of course she had no idea of the caloric count involved!)

The next day we went for a drive up north to see the beautiful beaches above Kaanapali. I realized that day that Laura and mom have much more in common than I'd thought. The two of them bonded in their own way over the beautiful flowers we encountered at every juncture. They decided to take pictures of the exotic flowers and create a screensaver slideshow to remember the trip. Very cute. To be honest, I was terribly bored during that process! We had a fabulous lunch at the Plantation House (note to self, must yelp). We all agreed that everything we tasted was the best we'd ever had: spicy pepper bloody mary (made with Absolut peppar), the grilled romaine caesar salad (heavenly), mango flavored ice tea. Their selection was not great. They had mahi mahi ONLY for their fish. You could get ahi but it was only available as part of a tuna melt. We then drove up the coast and hiked over to the Blowhole. The highlight was on the way back we passed a couple of locals hanging out in a pickup truck and they offered us marijuana for sale. After a bit of shopping in Lahaina (oh yes, there was an episode there, ask the lady who works at the ice cream shop - it's a secret so unfortunately I can't reveal what happened!) we ended the day with a fabulous sushi feast at the Hyatt Regency. I still have dreams about their amaebi, the best I've ever had.

Day 4. We had planned to drive to Hana. The concierge suggested we leave between 7 and 8am. Because we are freaks, we woke up at 5am and left the resort at 5:30. We made great time, and true to word, there were some beautiful sights along the drive. But I have to say, Hana itself? No. Complete waste of time. I am guessing we missed some turn off that would have led us to the fabulousness that Hana is known for, but we got to the end called, "Hana Beach" and it was a dinky, rocky beach that featured a dilapidated looking snack shack where a big Hawaiian mama dished out items like spam sandwiches and ice cream bars. Luckily we got there so early that we were able to bust outta there quickly, completely avoiding all of the tourists and bad traffic. We managed to drive back to the West side by noon -- just in time for lunch in Lahaina! Yipeee! We also made reservations to come back to the area for dinner at the Lahaina Grill (formerly called David Paul's) -- I HIGHLY recommend this restaurant, it was hands down the best meal we had in Maui. My mom, the foodie, could not stop raving. She must have informed us "this meal is FABULOUS, I tell you" 10 times (yes alcohol was involved).

Day 5. We decided that for our last full day, we should take advantage of our great resort and stay local. Laura and I had talked about possibly going snorkeling, but the day got away from us. After more shopping in Lahaina for those last minute gifts and souvenirs, we ended up lounging by the pool.... that's the life!

For our final dinner, we dined at The Hula Grill -- another favorite from our Honeymoon. What a perfect ending to our trip. The sunset photo shown at the start of this entry was taken from the Hula Grill. I will miss the sunset at Kaanapali Beach. Our dinner was fabulous and the service was perfect. They did screw up my beef order (I had asked for medium rare and it arrived quite overcooked). Our waitress took one look at my steak, whisked the plate away and promised to replace it. Unfortunately, they were out of that particular cut, so they brought me an even nicer steak cut for dinner. It was delicious.

The next morning, up at the crack of dawn. I don't think any of us ever quite adjusted to the Hawaiian time zone. We got to the airport at 8:30am, crazy early. Laura and I were supposed to leave at 11:30am and mom to leave at 1:30pm. Well..... first we found out that our flight on ATA would be delayed 13 hours! (I immediately started to make mental plans for myself to stay another night and leave the next day, cause I would not have minded one bit!) The folks at the counter told us they were researching alternative flights and the good news is that since we were the very first in line, we would get first choice. So, we waited. Fortunately (unfortunately?) there was a handy dandy airport gift shop right across from where we had to wait in line. So Laura and I took turns going in and we each got suckered in to buying all the stuff that we'd avoided buying during our trip up until that point (macadamia nuts, flower leis, soap that smells like pineapple) -- dang that sales girl was good! Finally we learned that we'd been placed on a flight on Aloha Airlines leaving at 1:30, perfect.

Meanwhile, mom had gone to the United counter, smiled and batted her eyelashes at a sweet elderly Japanese man and gotten herself switched to a flight leaving at 12:30pm. Go mom!

We decided to head through the security gate and wait upstairs. At this point, things do get a bit, shall we say.... interesting.... but yet again, it's a secret and I'm not allowed to talk about it on a public forum. Needless to say, we had a very extraordinary lunch at the upstairs bar & grill. Ok, so we almost got kicked out of the restaurant.... but now I'm saying way too much and must end this blog entry very very soon. Email me privately and I'll fill you in. : )

We did get home safe and sound to our wonderful families.

I can't speak for Laura or mom, but as for me, I have simply the best memories of our trip to Maui. Truly an unforgettable experience.